As of July 1st, half of 2017 was over. That inevitable train of time just keeps on trucking. Mixed analogies keep on being made. And you keep missing movies.
You’re busy, we get it. And there’s so many movies out there. You were working, or at family reunions, or not sitting in the dark for two hours every week. Good choice.
Except now we’re halfway through 2017, and you missed stuff. And people keep talking about stuff. Don’t worry; One Ticket Please is here to help. We made you a chronological guide to every movie that we’ve seen in 2017 through June. If we didn’t see it, it didn’t merit seeing (just kidding, but seriously we can’t see ’em all).
For each film, we provided an excellent and thorough synopsis as well as our recommendation for whether you should spend money to see it. This is Your Guide to 2017 in Film (So Far). Enjoy, and full reviews are in red.
John Wick: Chapter Two
What’s it about?: Keanu Reeves returns as the titular assassin, and has to kill everybody. Again.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yes. It’s one of the best shot and most engaging action series of the modern era. So, yes, watch John Wick and Chapter Two ASAP.
What’s it about?: While the greatest villains of filmdom team up to enact evil schemes, Batman deals with being lonely and having feelings and stuff.
Should I spend money to see it?: Eh. It was a great second showing from the burgeoning Lego film franchise, but it’ll also probably find its way to streaming eventually. Rent this one.
What’s it about?: Charlie Day has to fight Ice Cube. That’s…that’s it.
Should I spend money to see it?: No. Absolutely not. If you find yourself very bored on a Saturday afternoon, find it on a streaming service or FX or something.
What’s it about?: LOL like you don’t already know.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yes. It’s an instant classic and one of the best films of the year. It’s a disgrace that you haven’t seen it already. Go now.
What’s it about?: Wolverine is getting too old for this s***. And then he finds Laura, a young girl who’s just like him, bad attitude and all.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yes. Logan was touching, serious, and brutally, honestly violent. The result is one of the best showings in the superhero genre.
What’s it about?: Samuel L. Jackson is really tired of these monkey fighting apes on this Monday to Friday island. Oh and Tom Hiddleston and Brie Larson are there too.
Should I spend money to see it?: Nah. It might’ve been worth seeing for cheap in theaters, purely for the overwhelming size of Kong on the big screen. But it won’t be as good on a TV screen.
Beauty and the Beast
What’s it about?: A young girl discovers that Disney can make billions by adapting their most popular franchises into live action films. Also true love.
Should I spend money to see it?: Honestly…no. While it was good, and Emma Watson is always a delight, it really wasn’t that different than the animated version. What they did change didn’t add anything. Rent this one at the most.
What’s it about?: Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal have to deal with a much worse version of Alien.
Should I spend money to see it?: Nope. It’s not good. Just go watch Alien. If you’re that interested, it’ll come to HBO or something probably.
What’s it about?: Teenagers deal with some very contemporary teenager problems while also beating up aliens.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yep. It’s silly and touching and campy in all the right ways. At the least rent it, but it’s worth a cheap buy too.
What’s it about?: I…honestly don’t know. Woody Harrelson deals with death and irrelevancy I guess?
Should I spend money to see it?: No. It’s just confusing. Laura Dern is great though.
Ghost in the Shell
What’s it about?: Scarlett Johansson is a synthetic assassin who has to solve a series of murders. The real crime was the b.s. whitewashing of what should’ve clearly been an Asian woman lead.
Should I spend money to see it?: No. I don’t know anything about the original anime, other than it’s supposed to be better. So watch that instead.
The Fate of the Furious
What’s it about?: Vin Diesel and cars. This time with Charlize Theron as a bad guy.
Should I spend money to see it?: No. If you’re a fan of this series, then you already saw it. If not, then you can catch it when it comes to TV like they always do.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
What’s it about?: Star Lord finds his dad (Kurt Russell), and every other Guardian finds an unlikely companion to experience plot with. Except baby Groot. He exists purely for marketing.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yes, but only if you’re a Marvel completist. If not, then no, don’t bother. It’s not their worst movie, but it’s not a good Marvel movie either.
What’s it about?: Arthur finds the sword and has to kill bad guys. Except it’s bad. Real bad.
Should I spend money to see it?: No. Watch it on premium cable if you’re big fan of Guy Ritchie. Otherwise don’t waste your time.
What’s it about?: Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron are lifeguards with delusions of grandeur. Also Priyanka Chopra is a villain.
Should I spend money to see it?: Nah. It’s a fine, trashy film, but it’s only worth renting at most. Wait for it to hit streaming.
What’s it about?: The quality entropy of once great franchises. Also Johnny Depp is scared of ghost Javier Bardem.
Should I spend money to see it?: No. Not once. Not ever.
What’s it about?: Friendship, nostalgia, and underpants.
Should I spend money to see it?: Yes! It’s beautifully animated, and surprisingly touching. It doesn’t matter what age you are, the story connects. Also, underpants.
What’s it about?: One of the world’s great superheroes finally getting her due on the big screen. Chris Pine is there too.
Should I spend money to see it?: It’s astounding that you haven’t already. Go now.
What’s it about?: That’s the million dollar question. Here’s what it was barely about: a mummy.
Should I spend money to see it?: Here’s a better idea. Take the $20 you’d spend to buy this, and just light it on fire.
What’s it about?: Lightning McQueen is getting too old for this crap. And then he finds Cruz, a girl who’s…wait a minute. This is just Logan but cars! And a lot less violence.
Should I spend money to see it?: Only if you’re a Pixar completist or have kids in your life. It’s the best entry in the franchise, but as far as Pixar goes, it’s just OK.
What’s it about?: Scarlett Johansson and crew go to Miami for a bachelorette party, but things turn dark when they accidentally kill a guy. Antics ensue.
Should I spend money to see it?: Nah. Wait for streaming. It has its moments, but overall Rough Night parts were much better than its sum.
What’s it about?: Cars. Heists. Music. Love. Old school filmmaking.
Should I spend money to see it?: Absolutely. Baby Driver is going to be talked about for a long time. It’s meant to be seen on the big screen, so find a showing ASAP.
Despicable Me 3
What’s it about?: The overwhelming success of child targeted marketing using iconic mascots. Oh, and Gru has a brother now.
Should I spend money to see it?: Nope. Just stick with the first one. They aren’t terrible, but they’re not bad enough to be “bad-good” either. They’re just mediocre. Except maybe for kids. Go ask one.