Did you know the Golden Globes were tonight? Because I honestly forgot. Woops. But that’s no reason for YOU, dear reader, to be uninformed. So please enjoy One Ticket Please’s Offical Guide to the Golden Globes. Reviews linked in red!
P.S. the following descriptions of films I haven’t seen are absolutely true and definitely not made up. Mostly.
Best Motion Picture — Drama
- Hacksaw Ridge
Eh. It’s good-not-great, and Andrew Garfield just keeps trying his best.
- Hell or High Water
The Devil decides to quit Hell, but finds himself in a sinking ship. Idk, I haven’t seen it yet.
A lion does some stuff. Probably.
- Manchester by the Sea
Wayne Rooney hangs out by the ocean. I would guess.
It’s absolutely the best film of the year.
Should win: Moonlight
Weren’t you reading? It’s the best film of the year.
Will win: Manchester by the Sea
Because 2016 isn’t done screwing with us yet, and Hollywood doesn’t have a stellar track record for choosing correctly.
Best Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy
- 20th Century Women
A story detailing the amazing women who helped get humanity through the 20th century, despite stupid men always screwing it up. I can’t be that far off.
Honestly one of the funniest films of the past few years, if you haven’t seen it yet, jokes on you.
- Florence Foster Jenkins
Every time I see the title, I think of David Foster Wallace. Maybe their stories are somehow related.
- La La Land
It’s funny, nostalgic, cynical, and sweet, has some great songs, and I’ll never-not love EmGoss™
- Sing Street
An anthropomorphic road is told she’s a one-way street, and there’s no chance for her to be a singer unless she has the drive to do so. Other puns.
Should and Will Win: La La Land
Deadpool is hilarious, say true and thankee sai, but a movie both glorifying and criticizing the Golden Age of Hollywood in a show called the *Golden* Globes? No brainer.
Best Director — Motion Picture
- Damien Chazelle, La La Land
I freakin’ love Chazelle. He’s got to be one of the most creative filmmakers out today.
- Tom Ford, Nocturnal Animals
Fashion designer directs movie about owls, coyotes, maybe some squirrels. Only half of this is a lie.
- Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
Again, not a bad film, but he really doesn’t need an award for it.
- Barry Jenkins, Moonlight
This is only Jenkins’ second film. And it’s a masterpiece.
- Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea
I don’t know much of Lonergan’s work other than Gangs of New York, which was pretty good.
Should and Will Win: Damien Chazelle
Chazelle has an absolute mastery over cinematography, color, music, and thematics. He deserves this, though they wouldn’t be wrong to give it to Jenkins either.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama
- Amy Adams, Arrival
This is a career-defining role, and Adams certainly deserves recognition for it.
- Jessica Chastain, Miss Sloane
Cheron, our first ticket giveaway winner, saw this movie and said Chastain was good. So there you go.
- Isabelle Huppert, Elle
I know absolutely nothing about this movie, but Huppert was good in Amour, so I can’t imagine she’s terrible here.
- Ruth Negga, Loving
Unfortunately missed this one, but Negga is one of the better parts of Agents of Shield, so I look forward to seeing her in this.
- Natalie Portman, Jackie
She gives the best performance of the year by actor or actress.
Should and Will Win: Natalie Portman
I have a really hard time deciding whether Portman’s best performance was in Jackie, or in Black Swan. In any case, her ability to shift dramatically, and at times scarily, between the different versions of Jackie Kennedy is fascinating and should get her the win.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama
- Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Didn’t see it, heard he was really good.
- Joel Edgerton, Loving
Not enough people saw The Gift, and he was really good in it. Also, remember when he was in the Star Wars prequels?
- Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
He’s just a fella trying his best.
- Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Didn’t see it, but I assume it’s Mortensen as a retired superhero. Either way, I really love Mortensen, and he can do no wrong.
- Denzel Washington, Fences
I never expected Denzel to play my Grampa in a movie, but there it is. It’s one of the best performances of his career.
Should Win: Denzel Washington (or Viggo)
Denzel loves to play powerfully flawed men, and he does it so well. His best is probably here in Fences, and he commands everything in the film. But, if you’re not going to give it to him, give it to Viggo, because…I like him.
Will Win: Casey Affleck
Like I said, I have no knowledge of his performance. But I do know that seemingly nothing can get in the way of his likely win. He’s been picked for every award in this category so far, and the train shows no signs of stopping.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Comedy or Musical
- Colin Farrell, The Lobster
Farrell plays a weird dude in a weird movie. And he was pretty great.
- Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Gosling is funny and passionate, and charming as ever. Also, he has a surprisingly pretty singing voice.
- Hugh Grant, Florence Foster Jenkins
Does Hugh Grant play David Foster Wallace in Florence Foster Jenkins? Not sure, but I hope.
- Jonah Hill, War Dogs
I forgot this movie came out until I typed this sentence. But, I like Hill, so good job buddy.
- Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool
I honestly don’t know if there’s another actor alive who loved a role this much. And it shows.
Should Win: Colin Farrell
I know right? WHAT A TWIST. But seriously, he was so weird and deadpan, it kind of made me worried for real-life-Farrell. Which means it was a great performance.
Will Win: Ryan Gosling
He sings and dances AND plays piano. That’s a triple threat. The formula goes threats*3=1 Golden Globe.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Comedy or Musical
- Annette Bening, 20th Century Women
If I remember the trailers correctly, she plays a mom in a time period I couldn’t identify. That’s not helpful, sorry.
- Lily Collins, Rules Don’t Apply
Wait that’s the daughter from The Blind Side! Remember? She was good in that. Bet she is here too.
- Hailee Steinfeld, The Edge of Seventeen
Steinfeld is great in this, both paying homage to, and denying the tropes of, her genre predecessors. Can’t wait to see more of her.
- Emma Stone, La La Land
Stone has great comedic timing, and that quirky charm that made her famous, but dialed up to 10. Also, she follows the well-documented formula of threats*3=1 Golden Globe.
- Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins
I’ll be honest, I saw the trailers for this, and Streep looked like she was playing the same character she’s played for the last 10 years. It can’t be bad, but I’m not sad I didn’t see it.
Should and Will Win: Emma Stone
It feels like she has been practicing her entire career for this role. So she should probably win something for it.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture
- Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
IT’S MAHERSHALA ALI. He’s one of the best alive today and deserves every reward.
- Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
He’s not Mahershala Ali.
- Simon Helberg, Florence Foster Jenkins
He’s also not Mahershala Ali.
- Dev Patel, Lion
Mahershala Ali, he is not.
- Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Nocturnal Animals
Nope, not Mahershala Ali.
Should and Will Win: Mahershala Ali.
He definitely *is* Mahershala Ali.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture
- Viola Davis, Fences
This is Denzel’s movie, but there’s no way it would’ve been as good without Viola Davis. She is the emotional center of the film and gives one of the strongest performances of her career.
- Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Harris oscillates between abusive and loving, daring the audience to feel sympathy and anger at any given moment.
- Nicole Kidman, Lion
I bet she plays a girl lion.
- Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Spencer plays one of the first computer programmers at NASA. She also plays one of the most important roles of 2016, and probably film history, as do her fellow leads.
- Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea
I have no clue what she plays or how she was. But. If it really is about Wayne Rooney living by the ocean, I hope she has fun banter with him.
Should and Will Win: Viola Davis
Honestly, you wouldn’t go wrong picking Harris, Spencer, or Davis. But Davis, in particular, is such a fantastic foil and counterpart to Denzel, it absolutely makes the film. She deserves this.
Best Motion Picture — Animated
- Kubo and the Two Strings
Kubo has some technically astounding animation and a unique style, on top of contributing a different kind of story to a medium that is usually predictable.
The best Disney Princess ever. It’s also a gorgeous film with beautiful songs and represents a new age for Disney.
- My Life as a Zucchini
What lol? I didn’t know this existed. What a title though.
Nah. Fun, sure. But it doesn’t deserve a nomination for best anything.
One of the most complex narratives for a family film I’ve ever seen. If there’s a better way to teach children about the social issues of today, I don’t know what it is.
Should and Will Win: Zootopia OR Kubo and the Two Strings
They can’t go wrong either way. Zootopia has powerful themes on its side, while Kubo has technical mastery. Either is very deserving of the Globe.
Best Original Score — Motion Picture
- Nicholas Britell, Moonlight
Great use of music to illustrate the thematic transition of the lead
- Justin Hurwitz, La La Land
Beautiful score that calls back the Golden age.
- Jóhann Jóhannsson, Arrival
Interesting and weird score that adds to the aesthetic perfectly.
- Volker Bertelmann and Dustin O’Halloran, Lion
Lion sounds. Probably.
- Benjamin Wallfisch, Pharrell Williams, and Hans Zimmer, Hidden Figures
There’s a really catchy song by Pharrell that plays a bunch of times and is great. Other than that, it’s normal, uplifting fare.
Who Should Win: Moonlight
The use of music to tap into the audiences’, and society’s, view of the lead character is novel and worth a win.
Who Will Win: La La Land
I’m not sure Hollywood can resist this combination of Golden Age nostalgia and jazz.
BONUS: Sometimes we talk about TV too!
Best Television Series — Drama
- The Crown, Netflix
- Game of Thrones, HBO
British folks with dragons
- Stranger Things, Netflix
Spooky with no British folks
- This Is Us, NBC
Milo Ventimiglia probably without dragons and maybe British folks.
- Westworld, HBO
Spooky with British folks but set in the Old West, without dragons and Milo Ventimiglia. Also great.
Should and Will Win: Westworld
It’s so creepy and great, with all the drama of Game of Thrones, but from the mind of Michael Crichton. What more do you want?
Best Television Series — Musical or Comedy
- Atlanta, FX
- Black-ish, ABC
I’ve heard great things, never watched.
- Mozart in the Jungle, Amazon
I hope it’s actually about Mozart in a real jungle.
- Transparent, Amazon
I believe this is the one with Jeffrey Tambor, who is great.
- Veep, HBO
I stopped watching this, but it was pretty funny while I did.
Should and Will Win: Atlanta
I really have no reason for this beyond liking Donald Glover. He’s great. I’m very excited to see him as Lando Calrissian.